…When I began writing you these letters in April of 2025, I embraced the idea of you and the grief you helped me voice. Reading and writing about the Books I Can’t Recommend to you has also reignited my passion for words and the worlds they create in my mind. The author and novelist I once aspired to become has been clawing her way back into my daydreams and for the first time I’m wondering if fate is actually on my side.
…As our child, it’s not your job to carry our burdens or fill our emotional buckets; it’s our job to carry and fill yours. It’s your job to be a kid for as long as possible. In my mind’s eye you’ll always probably be around 10 or 11 years old, and even though you’re not real, I still feel compelled to protect you and your fictitious childhood.
So, I’ll say it again, it’s been a difficult couple of months, and that made choosing Books I Can’t Recommend to you very challenging.
…since this blog series is about helping me accept the reality of our situation, I decided to pick one and read it for you. I chose The BFG because I haven’t yet watched the movie adaptation (produced by Steven Spielberg) and the story was completely unknown to me… I figured that would help me get through it, even if the process was a little triggering.
…I wanted each book, story, and character to serve as a launchpad for your imagination. I dreamt of sharing and exploring a thousand worlds with you… snuggled up on the couch or somewhere out in the sunshine.
It never crossed my mind that you would never exist.
It never crossed my mind that I would spend years trying to reach you only to be blocked by something as cold and unimaginative as unexplained infertility.